Just a House

My Dad and I stopped by my grandparents' house this weekend. He's hoping to have the estate sale some time in the next two weeks. Everyone has had plenty of time to look through things and find sentimental pieces to keep in memory of Grandpa (Charlie) or Grandma Elaine. Now it's time to let go of the things that are just stuff and, ultimately, the house. When I realized this moment was so near I turned to my Dad, as we sat in the F-150 he'd inherited from Grandpa, his own piece of his dad, and told him with complete sincerity, "You know you're not allowed to sell your house right? Seriously not until I can buy it." Daddy chuckled and responded with, "I know, it will be weird, seeing someone else live here, but it's just a house."

Home

Um no, it is not just a house. My great-grandfather built this house. I grew up in this house. Countless sleepovers, birthday parties, pets, fights, adventures have been had in this house. You cannot just give away my memories. It was and is hard enough watching grandparents move or their former houses being sold off, but you can't sell our house!

This led to a conversation of when my Mom's great-aunt sold the family farm and with it all my dreams of what my future wedding would be. My dad lightly pointed out they were his wedding memories, and my heart ached even more.

8.30.86

Unlike my mother, who was a military brat, I lived in the same house from birth until college (and even then I lived there over the summers and for a few long months after graduating). I moved across the hall at the age of 3 when my dad finished his addition to the family home, but other than that I'd lived in the exact same place for 18 years. Suffice it to say, I'd grown comfortable with my place there; the only major change was a paint job when I was around 6 and then again as a tween, and I liked it that way, void of any major disruptions.

I was awakened to the fact that this home was no longer mine (though I am always welcome back) when my mother started redoing MY bedroom the summer after I graduated from college....while I was still in it. I watched her systematically erase my childhood...or at least that's how it felt. I know she was actually turning it into a more mature and neutral space for all visitors, including myself...but it's weird to think of myself as a visitor in this place (except when it comes to chores, I'm cool with being a visitor in that respect, lol).

Mother's Day 2014

I don't know what exactly it is, but something about the way we associate memories to the atmosphere they took place in makes it incredibly hard to say goodbye. Maybe it's because so many of my happy memories happened in those places; it's like nothing will ever be quite as happy because it won't be here. I know that isn't true, but it feels like it sometimes. Like the family farm, it was the perfect wide open space to play as kids, and I remember it fondly and perfectly, but I've had even more happy memories in the homes my grandparents have lived in since then.

However, this is a little different. The house my grandfather lived in is the house my dad grew up in. It's 5 houses down from the house where I grew up. It's where I went after school in kindergarten to eat turkey sandwiches and watch Barney with my grandpa. It's where I played in the same room my dad did as a kid, and "helped" my grandpa in his garden. It's different because I'm old enough to be aware; I'm old enough to miss it. I'm old enough to know it's just a house and yet not.

My parents aren't moving; they aren't selling their house (not as far as I know, and if they are they have some explaining to do). But I still dread the day that they do. Because as sentimental as the farm was and my grandpa's house is, their house has even more history. My great-grandfather built their house, my grandpa helped. My dad added onto it with the help of my uncle and friends. This house is a part of my family. This house is where I fought with my brother over cartoons, cried for hours over my first loose tooth, jumped in puddles wearing my best nightgown, wrestled with cousins over Easter eggs, broke in through the bathroom after forgetting my key...this house is where I grew up; this house is where I became me. This home is just a house, and yet so much more.

That nightie used to be white.

I've dreamed about my future here, bringing my kids someday, teaching them softball in the yard, climbing in the tree house my dad built for us as kids. Watching my kids help their grandpa in the garden, tossing coins in the "wishing well," family cook outs and kids playing tag, family games of football. I've always imagined it with this place as the backdrop...it's the perfect backdrop. But this home is just a house. As the saying goes, "Home is where the heart is, and my heart is where you are." So I may shed a few tears when my grandfather's house is sold, and even more when my parents inevitably move, but that's okay because this house is just a house, and I'll still have my family to come home to.

An Open Letter to Teenagers

Know that you are loved.

If you stop reading right now or zone out and don't get any other point, I want you to know that, each and every one of you is loved.

I'm 24, and I'm sure some of you think that is really old, but it's not...I'm basically still a child, but I am far enough removed from High School that I can reflect on it more objectively than in past years. I think this is something a lot of you need to hear.

I can't speak for all of your teachers and coaches, there's always an exception, but I can speak for my Mom and many other educators.They are in your lives for a reason. They love you and they care about you.

That is probably why they bug you so much. The teachers that push you the hardest, that don't let you get away with being lazy, the ones that call your parents when your acting out, the coaches that make you run that extra sprint when your grades are slipping, these are the people that love you. They love teaching, coaching, mentoring, and molding. They are passionate about you and your future. Sometimes the most loving thing seems mean and harsh, but it is molding you into a more disciplined person.

Some are doing this because they simply have a passion for young people. Others are there for a much deeper, more important reason. They are in the classroom because God has called them to be there. God has called them to a ministry of impacting students, of spreading His love in the classroom, of being a light in a place that can often be the darkest corner of the world.

I know that some of you have incredibly hard lives. High School is a hard and awkward time for most people. Many of you are dealing with more than just school and hormones. Some of you have lost one or both of your parents. Some still have your parents physically, but emotionally they might as well not be there. For some your parents are present, but they are only a negative, abusive presence in your life. Some of you are battling emotional and/or mental hardships that you might not be able to explain to others. Others of you feel rejected by your peers. Some of you are hiding homelessness, addictions, abuse, or other struggles.

Most of you feel alone.

No matter how alone and different you feel, no matter how much guilt, shame, anger, or isolation you feel, you are loved. You are being prayed over daily.

...I feel like I should explain what prompted this letter.

My Mom is a teacher. She loves her students. Even when they hate her, and she doesn't feel like she's making much of a difference, she shows up and she loves them to the best of her ability. She prays for them, for their education, but also for their lives - their hearts.

Someone egged my mom's classroom door. My first reaction was love for my Mom and anger at the student that hurt her. However a friend reminded me to check where my heart was, and to love the student. So I prayed. I prayed that my Mom would feel comforted and strengthened, and that she wouldn't be discouraged. And then I prayed for the student, that their eyes would be opened to the love God has for them. I prayed they would feel Him pursing them with love.

Then one of my other friends, a teacher's aid, had a rough encounter with a student and I was again reminded that teenagers are hurt, and often feel unloved. They live in a world where they aren't "cute kids" any more, but aren't yet adults either.

Know that you are loved.

You're in a period of your life that is awkward and hard, and you may often feel alone. You may feel like your teachers are just there to make life more boring and to keep you from having fun with your friends, but they're not. They are there to spur you on. To challenge you to do your very best.

They are there to love you.

Of Course I Want A Cookie

[This is not a blanket statement about all people who struggle with weight and body image. This is specifically about me. Some of it may be extrapolated and applied to others, but none of it is applicable to everyone, except the love :)]

"God doesn't make mistakes. Love the way you are." 

"God made you perfect just the way you are." 

"Love your body type." 

All good/true things, at least in some aspect. But here's the thing..some of us [raises hand and points at self] have a tendency to hear these statements and take them to mean that my weight problem is totally okay. God just made me fat...or at least fatter than average...really I should say fatter than healthy because the American average isn't healthy.  

Well, I'm sorry, but He didn't. God didn't make me fat. He didn't make me as this unhealthy person who was doomed to be chubby and unhappy with my appearance. Yes, He gave me a slow metabolism, but that's just a challenge like any other He uses to help us grow. 

I'm the one who took the healthy body God gave me and mistreated it. I abused it, fed it garbage and grease for years until I literally weighed as much as a grown man (despite being a 5'5" girl). I didn't fuel my body; I fed my appetite for sugar and fries. I didn't exercise regularly and strengthen my muscles; I watched Netflix regularly and let my muscles weaken. 

God did not give me the body I have. I turned the body He gave me into this...lets go with full-figured...I made myself this full-figured girl..um, woman? Whatever, you get the point.

Me at my cousin's wedding, at my heaviest just before starting this journey...I would
have started earlier, but I didn't want to steal the spotlight ;) lol, just kidding.

So now I'm trying to fix it. I'm eating better and working out, and I'm trying to chisel away all the damage I did to the beautiful creation God blessed me with. 

I must also say that most people tend toward extremes, and when it comes to our diet, neither extreme is healthy. Eating fried fast food constantly and being obese isn't good for you. But neither is starving yourself and being stick thin. Health is about balance. And it's about understanding our bodies and what is healthy.

Most doctors agree that a healthy adult my height should have a BMI between 19 and 24. Y'all, mine was in the low THIRTIES! That isn't healthy even if I look average!

So when people offer me a cookie or some chips, and I turn them down, I'm not trying to be rude. Of course I want the cookie, but I want to be healthy more. I'm also not starving myself or depriving myself of the so-called pleasures in life. Chances are I had some fruit earlier and I'm doing just fine.

When people look at me and hear that I'm on a diet, that I've lost 30 pounds and I'm not done yet, they legitimately argue with me. They say I'm being unhealthy, that I don't need to lose anymore. Our society's views of health are just so skewed. I've done the research; I know the science; I promise, I'm still not in the healthy weight range for my body type, but I'm almost there.

Before I finish, I have got to tell you, I legitimately feel so much better now! I took a break from dieting for the holidays, and by the time I was getting ready to start back up again, my body was actually craving vegetables! I don't even like most vegetables, but my body was telling me it missed being fueled. And the other day I had a crappy day, like crying off and on all day for basically no reason other than it was Monday. You know when my day finally got better? When I went for a run! Yea, being healthy sucks at first, but after a while your body actually starts to crave it, and that makes it easier and more fulfilling!

This is me, post workout, last week :) Looking all happy and feeling good. 

Not So Obligatory Thanksgiving Post....

     Lots of people talk about how Thanksgiving is awesome but we should be thankful everyday instead of just one day or one month a year. They are totally right. But I'm still going to spend this post on this day telling you what I'm thankful for and why...not everything I'm thankful for, 'cause that would take forever, but just one or two...maybe six. 

     In the past, on Thanksgiving, birthdays, and a few other times a year I've expressed my appreciation for my family, the immediate ones and the extended, they are all pretty awesome, but this year there is something new in my life that I just have to talk about. 

     The thing I'm thankful for this thanksgiving, the thing I'm thankful for everyday...is my community group (CG). See that's why it's six, cause it's me and six other amazing young women who love God and love me and love each other. 

      About six months ago, almost to the day, I got an email that said my CG co-leader was Bailey. I didn't know who the other leader was or who all was in my group, but I knew it would be amazing. My parents and I had been praying about this group for months, and I knew God was going to do great things through it.  A few hours later I received a group message, and our journey started. Over the following weeks we started getting to know one another. We met up for coffees and lunches, we sat at the Porch together weekly and spent a couple of weekends tucked away focused on strengthening our relationships with one another and with God.  

      We were seven individuals: Me, Bailey, Elise, Jiin, Lanning, Mayra, and Gentry. But we have one God and one love, and we made one awesome family. None of us have the same story, but there is just enough overlap that we can in some way understand each other. God took all our differences and similarities, all our flaws and talents, and He showed us how to love each other in all of it. He's teaching us how to use all the facets of our stories, His stories to work for His Kingdom.

     

     We are by no means perfect individuals and as such neither is our group. We too often find ourselves distracted by boys or pretty clothes instead of focused on Him. We sometimes hurt one another through word or action. But even these things He is using to teach us lessons. Lessons in holding one another accountable, lessons in conflict resolution and reconciliation. 

     I'm thankful for each one of these girls every day. I'm thankful for bonds that already exist and the ones that are forming even deeper still. I'm thankful for people who accept me as the sinner I am and spur me on to a closer walk with Christ. I'm great-full that God blessed me with these Beautiful Souls. And I'm honored that I get the chance to return the love of Christ to them. 

The Best Picture That Ever Existed.

     To Bails, Elise, Jimmy, Lanning, Mayra, and T-Swiz: I will be forever great-full that God picked us to walk through life together. Even knowing we won't all be in community together forever, right now, this group, in all its imperfections, is perfect. We weren't born into a family together, but God made us into one. Y'all know me deeper, and through that, love me more fully than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for showing me the Lord's love daily, especially when it's hard to say what I need to hear, or when you are in pain too. Thank you for accepting all the facets of my being in their weird and quirky ways and not asking me to change. Thank you for letting me try to do the same.

The Perfect Man

I had a dream the other day that I married Tim Tebow. We got married and then he told me he wanted me to home school our future kids. I just looked at him and was like "...Do you want me to hate our kids?? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I would if I was responsible for teaching them algebra.."

Then I woke up...

See I have a crush on Tim Tebow, not that I know him, but everyone has that public figure/celebrity that they have a crush on and he's mine. He's all tall and athletic and he loves Jesus.

Just saying.

But it doesn't matter, not only do I not know Tim Tebow, but I'm not even dating right now (not that anyone is asking me, but still it's intentional) I'm trying to focus on the only guy that matters. I'm growing and maturing in my relationship with Christ and getting away from the "I have to have a husband" mindset that the world has put in my heart and into the "God is enough" mindset that I know to be true.

Don't misunderstand me. I want to get married someday, and I'm pretty sure it's in God's plan for me. Just not right now.

Our society has trained us to think that there is this "One." The magical perfect match for us. Well I'm sorry but that is just crap. First of all we are never promised marriage, so the whole "there is someone for everyone" idea that goes with the whole soulmate theme, not so accurate.

Second of all no one is perfect. No one. And when you take two imperfect people and put them in a house together and say get along and make lots of life altering decisions together...lets just say that isn't gonna go well, not if you are expecting the other person to be total perfection.

It's not about finding the Perfect Man.

It's about finding someone who has the same values as you and with whom you can create a relationship founded on a mutual love for Christ. If you have that foundation and you approach all those life altering decisions from a perspective of love then it becomes less about you making each other happy and more about you working together to glorify the King.

Marriage, real life marriage, isn't a dream. It isn't picture perfect, white picket fences, and singing in the rain. It's choosing to love each and everyday, without conditions. It's going to God with your problems and disagreements instead of the world. It's raising children to love Him and his creations.

It's pursuing God together.  Spurring each other on to deeper and greater love.

A Jealous God

I have cried almost everyday this past week.

You see, I've been lying to myself for a while now. For a long while. I told myself I was going in the right direction, that this was where God wanted me to be and that I was doing it for His Kingdom. But I wasn't. It wasn't until I was sitting in Central Park crying that I realized how terrified I was. Terrified of everything. I was headed down this long and difficult path that was just going to get harder in every way imaginable and I was doing it because I could. I was tired of feeling like my life had no direction, so instead of waiting (like I knew He wanted me to) I started chasing after this dream. I was mesmerized by this idea of being used in His master plan in such a public way. And I convinced myself that it wasn't insane and that I was doing it for Him and not myself.

But sitting there in Central Park, in the middle of Manhattan, realizing how much I didn't want to move across the country. How scared I was of the only two options I saw in front of me (move across the country to pursue acting or remain stagnant in Dallas). But also how much I wanted to be doing what ever I was going to do for the right reasons (to borrow a phrase from The Bachelor). I realized that although my motives for pursuing acting school weren't pure, my motives toward life were and I just needed to take a beat and do what was best for my relationship with God.

So I did a lot of praying, and crying, and talking, and listening. It's been a long, stressful week. But I've made some progress.

Our God is a jealous God. He wants us to do things for Him. But he doesn't always care what we do (sometimes he has a strong opinion, but there are definitely times when he's just like, "Whatever so long as your heart is with me.") This was something that I kind of already knew, but I have a tendency to forget and over interpret everything as a sign.

The point is that God didn't so much care about what city I lived in or what school I was going to so much as he cared about why I was going and how it would affect my walk with Him.

So I spent one long week crying and talking to those around me about my options, explaining why I didn't want to go pursue acting school even though everyone around me thought that's what I wanted (for a while I'd thought it's what I wanted too), and praying to God that he wouldn't ask me to leave my family and my support system. So I laid down a fleece (Judges 6)...metaphorically and His answer was clear. He's okay with what ever direction I choose, so long as I do it for Him and for my relationship with Him.

So I'm staying.
I'm staying in Dallas, with my family and my community group supporting me and my walk, and instead of being defined by my occupation I'm going to be defined by my savior. I'm not scared of staying and being stagnant anymore, 'cause I know I have the support I need to do what ever it is that I think will use my gifts to glorify my God most.

For now that means volunteering in the children's ministry at church and working to better myself as a person. And it means mulling over options for a career, including becoming an EMT/Paramedic (my favorite option at the moment). But I know now that I will be doing this, not to chase fame and notoriety, but because I want to bring glory to my God.


Made to Worship by Chris Tomlin:

You and I were made to worship

You and I are called to love 

You and I are forgiven and free

When you and I embrace surrender

When you and I choose to believe

Then you and I will see who we were meant to be

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns:

But the voice of truth tells me a different story 

And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" 

And the voice of truth says, "This is for my glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth!

I'm tired of just believing in God.

I'm ready to start listening and believing what he says.

Feel Him In the Storm (literally)

I don't know about you, but the moment that I feel God most, like actually feel Him, is when it's raining, which it is right now. It's one of my favorite things in the world, to sit and watch a storm from my porch, or on occasion go stand in the yard and just be surrounded by Him. I don't know if this is just how God decided he wanted me to experience Him, or if it has more to do with me not understanding the science of weather and water falling from the sky, but either way it's amazing.

To be completely honest I've been in a bit of a spiritual slump for...probably a few years now, it's had highish points, but on average been a pretty long slump. Recently I placed membership at a church and joined a community group, 7 girls all between 21 and 24, and it's been wonderful. It hasn't fixed my slump, not by any means, but I'm taking steps, I'm working at repairing my relationship with God, and I took a big step tonight.

I hadn't actually noticed it was raining until one of the girls in my group sent out a text about it (she knows how I feel about storms). Once I realized it was raining, I just got a feeling, like I needed to go outside, I needed to stand in the rain (I'm even in the middle of writing a song about standing in the rain and feeling God, lol, isn't He awesome!). So I did. I just got up and went outside and stood in the rain. Bare foot and still in work out clothes, I stood in my backyard.

It was as if the rain washed away all my walls and my hesitations and I cried out to God in a way I hadn't in a very long time. I talked to Him openly, honestly about things from the past few years that I'd been too ashamed of or simply too proud or closed off to discuss with Him. It was...overwhelming. I literally fell to my knees in the grass crying from the swarm of emotions. Then, as if He was telling me to go dig into scripture, a crack of thunder hit that scared me to my feet and back inside.

I opened my daily devotional (The Duck Commander Devotional, yes that's the one I read) to today and read todays entry as well as one from a couple of days ago that caught my eye (Sweet Forgiveness and The Washing of Rebirth). They're about the mercy and forgiveness that Christ offers us through belief in him and baptism. (Now I was raised in the church and have known about this concept my whole life. I gave my life to Christ when I was about 10, so it's not like I hadn't heard this before. But sometimes we humans just need to be reminded of the simplicity of His love.) Through these readings God spoke back. I'd just poured out my heart to Him, and for the first time in a long time, I heard Him talking back immediately.

He told me He loves me and has forgiven me for the things I did, just like I forgave the others involved and gave me advise on handling current issues I'm facing (Titus 3). Then he steered me toward an article (another girl from my community group had sent it to us early today) about waiting and how God uses waiting to prepare us for what is to come (I wanted Him to show me His plan). He also just drew my attention to a few other awesome scriptures that I needed to be reminded of:
John 3:30 "He must become greater; I must become less"
Philippians 2:5-18, John 8, I mean obviously the whole Bible is good stuff, but these are what I needed to hear tonight, and they truly spoke to me.

Anyway my point is that God is awesome. And even when we feel like we've tried everything and he just isn't there, He isn't listening...He is, and He'll say something when He knows the time is right. So be patient. Learn in the waiting. Find Strength in His word and in those around you. Feel loved in scripture. And feel His power and His presence in the storms.