You see, I've been lying to myself for a while now. For a long while. I told myself I was going in the right direction, that this was where God wanted me to be and that I was doing it for His Kingdom. But I wasn't. It wasn't until I was sitting in Central Park crying that I realized how terrified I was. Terrified of everything. I was headed down this long and difficult path that was just going to get harder in every way imaginable and I was doing it because I could. I was tired of feeling like my life had no direction, so instead of waiting (like I knew He wanted me to) I started chasing after this dream. I was mesmerized by this idea of being used in His master plan in such a public way. And I convinced myself that it wasn't insane and that I was doing it for Him and not myself.
But sitting there in Central Park, in the middle of Manhattan, realizing how much I didn't want to move across the country. How scared I was of the only two options I saw in front of me (move across the country to pursue acting or remain stagnant in Dallas). But also how much I wanted to be doing what ever I was going to do for the right reasons (to borrow a phrase from The Bachelor). I realized that although my motives for pursuing acting school weren't pure, my motives toward life were and I just needed to take a beat and do what was best for my relationship with God.
So I did a lot of praying, and crying, and talking, and listening. It's been a long, stressful week. But I've made some progress.
Our God is a jealous God. He wants us to do things for Him. But he doesn't always care what we do (sometimes he has a strong opinion, but there are definitely times when he's just like, "Whatever so long as your heart is with me.") This was something that I kind of already knew, but I have a tendency to forget and over interpret everything as a sign.
The point is that God didn't so much care about what city I lived in or what school I was going to so much as he cared about why I was going and how it would affect my walk with Him.
So I spent one long week crying and talking to those around me about my options, explaining why I didn't want to go pursue acting school even though everyone around me thought that's what I wanted (for a while I'd thought it's what I wanted too), and praying to God that he wouldn't ask me to leave my family and my support system. So I laid down a fleece (Judges 6)...metaphorically and His answer was clear. He's okay with what ever direction I choose, so long as I do it for Him and for my relationship with Him.
So I'm staying.
I'm staying in Dallas, with my family and my community group supporting me and my walk, and instead of being defined by my occupation I'm going to be defined by my savior. I'm not scared of staying and being stagnant anymore, 'cause I know I have the support I need to do what ever it is that I think will use my gifts to glorify my God most.
For now that means volunteering in the children's ministry at church and working to better myself as a person. And it means mulling over options for a career, including becoming an EMT/Paramedic (my favorite option at the moment). But I know now that I will be doing this, not to chase fame and notoriety, but because I want to bring glory to my God.
Made to Worship by Chris Tomlin:
You and I were made to worship
You and I are called to love
You and I are forgiven and free
When you and I embrace surrender
When you and I choose to believe
Then you and I will see who we were meant to be
Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns:
But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says, "This is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth!
I'm tired of just believing in God.
I'm ready to start listening and believing what he says.
No comments:
Post a Comment