Not So Obligatory Thanksgiving Post....

     Lots of people talk about how Thanksgiving is awesome but we should be thankful everyday instead of just one day or one month a year. They are totally right. But I'm still going to spend this post on this day telling you what I'm thankful for and why...not everything I'm thankful for, 'cause that would take forever, but just one or two...maybe six. 

     In the past, on Thanksgiving, birthdays, and a few other times a year I've expressed my appreciation for my family, the immediate ones and the extended, they are all pretty awesome, but this year there is something new in my life that I just have to talk about. 

     The thing I'm thankful for this thanksgiving, the thing I'm thankful for everyday...is my community group (CG). See that's why it's six, cause it's me and six other amazing young women who love God and love me and love each other. 

      About six months ago, almost to the day, I got an email that said my CG co-leader was Bailey. I didn't know who the other leader was or who all was in my group, but I knew it would be amazing. My parents and I had been praying about this group for months, and I knew God was going to do great things through it.  A few hours later I received a group message, and our journey started. Over the following weeks we started getting to know one another. We met up for coffees and lunches, we sat at the Porch together weekly and spent a couple of weekends tucked away focused on strengthening our relationships with one another and with God.  

      We were seven individuals: Me, Bailey, Elise, Jiin, Lanning, Mayra, and Gentry. But we have one God and one love, and we made one awesome family. None of us have the same story, but there is just enough overlap that we can in some way understand each other. God took all our differences and similarities, all our flaws and talents, and He showed us how to love each other in all of it. He's teaching us how to use all the facets of our stories, His stories to work for His Kingdom.

     

     We are by no means perfect individuals and as such neither is our group. We too often find ourselves distracted by boys or pretty clothes instead of focused on Him. We sometimes hurt one another through word or action. But even these things He is using to teach us lessons. Lessons in holding one another accountable, lessons in conflict resolution and reconciliation. 

     I'm thankful for each one of these girls every day. I'm thankful for bonds that already exist and the ones that are forming even deeper still. I'm thankful for people who accept me as the sinner I am and spur me on to a closer walk with Christ. I'm great-full that God blessed me with these Beautiful Souls. And I'm honored that I get the chance to return the love of Christ to them. 

The Best Picture That Ever Existed.

     To Bails, Elise, Jimmy, Lanning, Mayra, and T-Swiz: I will be forever great-full that God picked us to walk through life together. Even knowing we won't all be in community together forever, right now, this group, in all its imperfections, is perfect. We weren't born into a family together, but God made us into one. Y'all know me deeper, and through that, love me more fully than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for showing me the Lord's love daily, especially when it's hard to say what I need to hear, or when you are in pain too. Thank you for accepting all the facets of my being in their weird and quirky ways and not asking me to change. Thank you for letting me try to do the same.

The Perfect Man

I had a dream the other day that I married Tim Tebow. We got married and then he told me he wanted me to home school our future kids. I just looked at him and was like "...Do you want me to hate our kids?? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I would if I was responsible for teaching them algebra.."

Then I woke up...

See I have a crush on Tim Tebow, not that I know him, but everyone has that public figure/celebrity that they have a crush on and he's mine. He's all tall and athletic and he loves Jesus.

Just saying.

But it doesn't matter, not only do I not know Tim Tebow, but I'm not even dating right now (not that anyone is asking me, but still it's intentional) I'm trying to focus on the only guy that matters. I'm growing and maturing in my relationship with Christ and getting away from the "I have to have a husband" mindset that the world has put in my heart and into the "God is enough" mindset that I know to be true.

Don't misunderstand me. I want to get married someday, and I'm pretty sure it's in God's plan for me. Just not right now.

Our society has trained us to think that there is this "One." The magical perfect match for us. Well I'm sorry but that is just crap. First of all we are never promised marriage, so the whole "there is someone for everyone" idea that goes with the whole soulmate theme, not so accurate.

Second of all no one is perfect. No one. And when you take two imperfect people and put them in a house together and say get along and make lots of life altering decisions together...lets just say that isn't gonna go well, not if you are expecting the other person to be total perfection.

It's not about finding the Perfect Man.

It's about finding someone who has the same values as you and with whom you can create a relationship founded on a mutual love for Christ. If you have that foundation and you approach all those life altering decisions from a perspective of love then it becomes less about you making each other happy and more about you working together to glorify the King.

Marriage, real life marriage, isn't a dream. It isn't picture perfect, white picket fences, and singing in the rain. It's choosing to love each and everyday, without conditions. It's going to God with your problems and disagreements instead of the world. It's raising children to love Him and his creations.

It's pursuing God together.  Spurring each other on to deeper and greater love.

A Jealous God

I have cried almost everyday this past week.

You see, I've been lying to myself for a while now. For a long while. I told myself I was going in the right direction, that this was where God wanted me to be and that I was doing it for His Kingdom. But I wasn't. It wasn't until I was sitting in Central Park crying that I realized how terrified I was. Terrified of everything. I was headed down this long and difficult path that was just going to get harder in every way imaginable and I was doing it because I could. I was tired of feeling like my life had no direction, so instead of waiting (like I knew He wanted me to) I started chasing after this dream. I was mesmerized by this idea of being used in His master plan in such a public way. And I convinced myself that it wasn't insane and that I was doing it for Him and not myself.

But sitting there in Central Park, in the middle of Manhattan, realizing how much I didn't want to move across the country. How scared I was of the only two options I saw in front of me (move across the country to pursue acting or remain stagnant in Dallas). But also how much I wanted to be doing what ever I was going to do for the right reasons (to borrow a phrase from The Bachelor). I realized that although my motives for pursuing acting school weren't pure, my motives toward life were and I just needed to take a beat and do what was best for my relationship with God.

So I did a lot of praying, and crying, and talking, and listening. It's been a long, stressful week. But I've made some progress.

Our God is a jealous God. He wants us to do things for Him. But he doesn't always care what we do (sometimes he has a strong opinion, but there are definitely times when he's just like, "Whatever so long as your heart is with me.") This was something that I kind of already knew, but I have a tendency to forget and over interpret everything as a sign.

The point is that God didn't so much care about what city I lived in or what school I was going to so much as he cared about why I was going and how it would affect my walk with Him.

So I spent one long week crying and talking to those around me about my options, explaining why I didn't want to go pursue acting school even though everyone around me thought that's what I wanted (for a while I'd thought it's what I wanted too), and praying to God that he wouldn't ask me to leave my family and my support system. So I laid down a fleece (Judges 6)...metaphorically and His answer was clear. He's okay with what ever direction I choose, so long as I do it for Him and for my relationship with Him.

So I'm staying.
I'm staying in Dallas, with my family and my community group supporting me and my walk, and instead of being defined by my occupation I'm going to be defined by my savior. I'm not scared of staying and being stagnant anymore, 'cause I know I have the support I need to do what ever it is that I think will use my gifts to glorify my God most.

For now that means volunteering in the children's ministry at church and working to better myself as a person. And it means mulling over options for a career, including becoming an EMT/Paramedic (my favorite option at the moment). But I know now that I will be doing this, not to chase fame and notoriety, but because I want to bring glory to my God.


Made to Worship by Chris Tomlin:

You and I were made to worship

You and I are called to love 

You and I are forgiven and free

When you and I embrace surrender

When you and I choose to believe

Then you and I will see who we were meant to be

Voice of Truth by Casting Crowns:

But the voice of truth tells me a different story 

And the voice of truth says, "Do not be afraid!" 

And the voice of truth says, "This is for my glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth!

I'm tired of just believing in God.

I'm ready to start listening and believing what he says.

Feel Him In the Storm (literally)

I don't know about you, but the moment that I feel God most, like actually feel Him, is when it's raining, which it is right now. It's one of my favorite things in the world, to sit and watch a storm from my porch, or on occasion go stand in the yard and just be surrounded by Him. I don't know if this is just how God decided he wanted me to experience Him, or if it has more to do with me not understanding the science of weather and water falling from the sky, but either way it's amazing.

To be completely honest I've been in a bit of a spiritual slump for...probably a few years now, it's had highish points, but on average been a pretty long slump. Recently I placed membership at a church and joined a community group, 7 girls all between 21 and 24, and it's been wonderful. It hasn't fixed my slump, not by any means, but I'm taking steps, I'm working at repairing my relationship with God, and I took a big step tonight.

I hadn't actually noticed it was raining until one of the girls in my group sent out a text about it (she knows how I feel about storms). Once I realized it was raining, I just got a feeling, like I needed to go outside, I needed to stand in the rain (I'm even in the middle of writing a song about standing in the rain and feeling God, lol, isn't He awesome!). So I did. I just got up and went outside and stood in the rain. Bare foot and still in work out clothes, I stood in my backyard.

It was as if the rain washed away all my walls and my hesitations and I cried out to God in a way I hadn't in a very long time. I talked to Him openly, honestly about things from the past few years that I'd been too ashamed of or simply too proud or closed off to discuss with Him. It was...overwhelming. I literally fell to my knees in the grass crying from the swarm of emotions. Then, as if He was telling me to go dig into scripture, a crack of thunder hit that scared me to my feet and back inside.

I opened my daily devotional (The Duck Commander Devotional, yes that's the one I read) to today and read todays entry as well as one from a couple of days ago that caught my eye (Sweet Forgiveness and The Washing of Rebirth). They're about the mercy and forgiveness that Christ offers us through belief in him and baptism. (Now I was raised in the church and have known about this concept my whole life. I gave my life to Christ when I was about 10, so it's not like I hadn't heard this before. But sometimes we humans just need to be reminded of the simplicity of His love.) Through these readings God spoke back. I'd just poured out my heart to Him, and for the first time in a long time, I heard Him talking back immediately.

He told me He loves me and has forgiven me for the things I did, just like I forgave the others involved and gave me advise on handling current issues I'm facing (Titus 3). Then he steered me toward an article (another girl from my community group had sent it to us early today) about waiting and how God uses waiting to prepare us for what is to come (I wanted Him to show me His plan). He also just drew my attention to a few other awesome scriptures that I needed to be reminded of:
John 3:30 "He must become greater; I must become less"
Philippians 2:5-18, John 8, I mean obviously the whole Bible is good stuff, but these are what I needed to hear tonight, and they truly spoke to me.

Anyway my point is that God is awesome. And even when we feel like we've tried everything and he just isn't there, He isn't listening...He is, and He'll say something when He knows the time is right. So be patient. Learn in the waiting. Find Strength in His word and in those around you. Feel loved in scripture. And feel His power and His presence in the storms.

10 Years Later

March 4th, 2005.

That is the day that Kelsey Wood died. Kelsey and I were great friends and her death rocked my world, as it did for everyone who knew her. When Kelsey died I grieved. I did what most thirteen year olds in that situation would have done, I think. I cried, I hugged family and friends, and I remembered. I still remember arriving at the hospital just after she'd passed....

I remember five years later in March of 2010; I was getting ready to graduate from high school. I remember crying that week because all I could think about was injustice. I was going to graduate. I was going to college. I was living. Why not her?

These thoughts often plagued me as the years after Kelsey's death passed. Why was I given more time?

Obviously I don't have the answers, I didn't then and I don't now. But ten years have passed, and I've grown up. I've lived. 

People like to tell us that time heals all wounds. That if we just give it some time, the pain will go away. 

I completely and totally disagree. 

Kelsey isn't the only person close to me I've lost; she wasn't even the first one. Each time I lose someone it leaves a fresh hole. Time helps, but not in the way people tend to say it does. Time doesn't heal the wounds; it doesn't make the pain go away. Time just numbs me; it teaches me to live with this new ache in my heart. It's like when you get in super cold water that is super cold. At first it stings and you tighten up. But eventually your body adjusts. The water is just as cold as it was before, but you're getting used to the feeling. 

10 Years Later, I still miss Kelsey. I still don't understand the injustice of her death. I still remember her laugh and her unusual wisdom. 

10 Years Later, and I have finally accepted the pain. 

Sam Hands

I don't know if I've told you this, but I'm insecure. 

Yes, I know everyone has their insecurities - personally mine is my weight - but that's not really what I'm talking about. 

I'm insecure in pretty much all of my relationships. Other than my parents, almost anything can make me think someone doesn't love me or like me anymore. I'm not sure why this is, I'm sure I could psychoanalyze myself to death and still not know, but, whatever the reason, I have a really hard time telling where I am with people. 

Sam, however, is my best friend. I know so because she said it. 

You see, my senior year at ACU, I was on Homecoming court. This fact is only important so that you understand why my Aunt Nanny was at ACU on a random Friday after Chapel, meeting Sam in the first place. Anyway, I was introducing Nanny and Sam and I said, "Nanny, this is my friend Sam :)" To which Sam's reaction was to give me a weird look, reach out her hand to Nan, and say, "I would venture to say best :)"

For someone as insecure as I am, to have the person whom I think of as my best friend say that's the case was the biggest confirmation of our friendship I could have wished for.

I know my last few posts may have been a little depressing or made me sound like a loser with no friends (because I was lonely when I wrote them), but I got to see Sam recently, and not just her, but a lot of my friends from school. 

I went back to Abilene a few weeks ago for Sing Song, and with some of the other alumni from my club, went to see the girls practice before the show. For whatever reason, the other girls pushed me through the door first, and I don't think I had ever felt so adored...it was like being a celebrity - lol. I walked in and they all started clapping (for all the alumni, I know, but it felt like the ovation was for me :) ), and I, of course, played it up, acting like I was some big wig on a talk show.

That's when I was attacked.

The kind of attack that surprises and scares you, but is welcome the second you realize who it is. My attacker was my first ever Little, Meghann. She held me in a hug for what felt like ten minutes, and it was the best hug ever. Full of "I've missed you," "It's been so long," and "Never again." 

Sam was there too (we literally jumped into a hug and jumped in a circle squealing like children when we saw each other --we were cliché but adorable), and we, along with the wonderful Carleigh, took our traditional Sam Hands photo (there's a story there, maybe I'll tell you some time). And then the weekend was over. The magic of seeing my friends and being surrounded by love was gone again, and in its absence my mind begins to wonder, as it often does: Was it real? Are we really still close? Do my friends have the same fears/insecurities? Am I overwhelming? 

Maybe a little. 

But I am still loved.