Real Life

"...in real life."
"I can't wait for my real life to start."
"This is real life..."

Sound familiar?
I HATE. these phrases. I'm just as guilty as the next girl of using them, even when not referring to a movie, which is the only excusable reason for saying this, but I hate them.
I hate them because my life is stalled. Nothing in my life is where I want to be, and very little of it feels like a stepping stone to get there. And, to be honest, it makes me mad, that this is my real life.

You see, I'm an Office Coordinator. Which means I spent 4 years and my parents paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for me to get a degree that I don't use, because any teenager can answer phones, schedule meetings and do what ever else they are told to do. Now, don't read this as: "I hate my job." This isn't that kind of post. I love my coworkers, they are fun people. And the company I work for is great too. I just don't love my job. This isn't what I want to do with my life. I don't enjoy what I do. I'm not looking for a job that "fulfills me" as they say, I know that isn't really the point, but I'd like to be doing something that I care about you know, something that I enjoy at least a little.

I don't have a church home. Which means my social life is basically nonexistent. I'm not a loser...I don't think. It's just that a good portion of my friends are still in school. The other good portion are split up all over the state and country living their new adult lives. I have a roommate, but our schedules are so different that we are rarely both home and awake at the same time. And my friends that do live in Dallas, well we're all over and busy and their isn't a built in social calendar to bring us together like college provided. So I'm looking for a church home (not just for this reason, obviously I love God and want to find a place that is like family to gather in his name, this is just a side motivation), but it takes time and in the meantime, I watch Netflix and eat brownie batter in bed.

I am eager to act. I've talked a bit before about the draw of acting and how I believe that is where God ultimately wants me. I'm in a training program that helps hone my skills, teaches me about the industry, and eventually I will participate in a showcase for agents and managers. So at least I'm going in the right direction, but I'm eager to jump in right now, but I have a full time job. Do you know how hard it is to go to auditions when you don't have any time off built up yet? And then if I am offered a part...I can only film on weekends, unless someone happens to offer me a career making part that will make quitting my day job a realistic thing...I'm not holding my breath.

I could also add that I'm single and have no prospects, which is true, but then again I'm fully aware of the fact that at 22 I am not ready to get married and settle down like so many of my friends are doing. Not to say I wouldn't like to go on a date now and again (just to make me feel like I'm not completely repulsive), but I'm completely okay with waiting on the whole marriage and kids thing.

My point...what was my point?
Live life.
Right, live your life now, but live it in anticipation of the future too. Seize the day! Find joy in the little things! And all the other applicable quotes. But also, you need to be actively seeking ways to advance your life in the direction you want to go. Be patient, as all things happen in God's perfect time.
Even if this season (that's just for you Kristen) of your life isn't your favorite, recognize that this is your life, and it is real.
So enjoy what you can and learn from the crappy bits.

You Matter

#BlackLivesMatter

#LatinoLivesMatter

#AsianLivesMatter

#WhiteLivesMatter

#AllLivesMatter

But this is about Black lives.

This is about white privilege. 

I'll be honest, I'm an oblivious white girl. I don't like politics or confrontation, so I tend to keep my opinions to myself when it comes to social media, and I don't stay all that up to date with the news (other than big things that show up on my twitter feed, which I often will read/skim an article or two about). I also struggle sometimes to articulate what I mean in a way that won't be distorted by the absence of human interaction. With that said, I also grew up in a town where I was actually the minority at my school, and the classes I was enrolled in were relatively diverse, so I was oblivious to the bigger issue here. On that note, I will say racism can and does go both ways, but this post isn't about that, it's about the fact that Black Lives Matter because all lives do.

I wasn't there and I don't know what happened, so I won't say this for them. I'm saying this for all my friends who are of a different color than me. For all of those I love. For all the people I don't know and probably never will because we were born into different parts of this world. You matter. Just as much as me.

Let me be clear about something though, when I say worth and equality, I don't mean all people are the same, or equally important, or even capable of the same things. For example; The President of the United States of America, is way more important than me, and (no matter how much I may disagree with his politics) I understand why. He has equipped himself with knowledge that I know not of, and he has authority that I cannot fathom. He also has people who threaten to kill him, and I don't, so it balances out. My point is that while in the eyes of humanity we should all be equals, that just means that we should not be looked down upon as less. We are all so very different; we have different capabilities and the potential to do such a wide range of things. Some are born with great intelligence, some with great comedic talent; others have trouble with social situations, or have trouble learning; this world is unfair. And it always will be, but it doesn't make them less. We all have a path to follow, each one different from the next. 

One thing I'm worried will happen with this movement for equality (a movement I believe in and support) is that it will do what Feminism did and go too far. Feminism at it's core is good. It is about equality between men and women. Not equality as in sameness, but equality in worth. We should be worth the same as men in the eyes of humanity. That does not mean that we must conquer man though. Some branches of Feminism have taken the raising up of women and turned it into the crushing of men, and that is not okay. This is the exact opposite of what we teach our children. We teach them to be confident in themselves, to not beat others down to feel better about themselves. We then should do the same. Be confident women who stand up for our rights, but don't have to degrade men to do it. 

Along the same lines when it comes to race, I want equality, but that doesn't mean bashing other races. Instead we should call upon everyone to elevate each other to be equal in the eyes of all. I'm not excusing the past, but let's leave the past there because there is nothing we can do to change it, and deal with the present. Black lives matter, not because they're black. Not because white people owe them for what our ancestors did to theirs. Not because someone died. Black lives matter because they are people, just like you and me. Black lives matter just as much as Latino lives, Asian lives, White lives, all lives. 

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Stars in the City

This past Sunday at church the gentleman teaching the Sunday School class I attended made a comment about how beautiful the stars are in the country, and then he said "They just don't have that in the city!"

I beg to differ.

I was raised in the suburbs. I love the suburbs. In fact, I will probably end up back there someday raising my own family. Someday most likely being a long time from now seeing as I am perpetually single, but that's not important right now. The point is I grew up in a suburb that also happened to be the highest point in Dallas County. Why, you ask, is that extremely random fact so important? Because since we were the highest point in the county we had all the radio and television towers in our town. At my last count I believe there were 14.

See all the red dots in the sky? Those are the towers.
Aren't they beautiful?
No?
Well, they are to me. They're like my own personal lighthouse, showing me the way home. Like my own personal set of constellations.

I know that people love to marvel at the beauty of a country sky. And here in Texas we are oh so proud of our Texas sky. And I agree, there is nothing like it. My grandparents used to have a farm out in the middle of Nowhere, Texas, and you can't find a more beautiful piece of sky that displays God's handiwork more perfectly. But here's the thing:
We were made in His image.
He created us to be creators.
So we created our own version of His magnificent stars.

City Lights.

Some people prefer one over the other, and that is valid and fair. But personally I think they are all beautiful and I think they all show the greatness of our God. Not only did He create this magnificent universe and all the stars that make up our sky, but he created a being in His image that strives to be like Him.

Who Are You to Think You can Succeed in Hollywood?

I am a daughter of the Most High King.

When we're little kids we dream of being princesses, astronauts, the President, and dragon slayers. Our parents, our teachers, the world all encourage us to dream. They say we can do whatever we want. The sky is the limit. And a million other poster worthy phrases. But somewhere along the way the message changes from "Dream Big! Reach for the Stars!" to "Think realistically. Be reasonable." So we change our dreams to more everyday things. We settle on things like teacher, mechanic, dentist, or mom. All of which are great dreams, if you are called to them!

Christ says to go out and make disciples of every nation. He calls us all to the life of a missionary. That doesn't mean we all move to Africa or South America; it means we live out the life of Christ where God has called us. If you're a mom, you minister to your kids, to their friends and their families, to the ladies on the PTA and your neighbors. If you're a mechanic, you minister to your customers, to your employees or your boss and co-workers. If you're still a student, you minister to your peers, your teachers; we are all called to minister to the people God has placed around us, no matter where that is.

If you can accept that, why can't you accept that God called someone to minister to actors, to singers? He has called us to speak truth into the lives of celebrities who influence the lives of so many, to be a public example who kids and teens can look up to. Why is it so outrageous that he dreams to be President someday? God has called him to lead our nation and influence the world. God has called us to minister to everyone, to help the less fortunate, to be His hands and feet. Well, God is omnipresent, which means His hands and feet need to be in Africa and South America, in our schools and doctors' offices, and in the media and the White House.

You may not see how that could be God's calling for me or him, or her, but that's not what matters. I can feel it, I can hear Him asking me to serve, and I have faith that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." In 1 Samuel 17, a small boy everyone thought would fail took down a giant. Not because he had some secret power or hidden strength, but because the Lord was on his side. That kid went on to become king. I may not look like much now, or have the skill set to make it in the industry, but I have faith that He will equip me with all the tools I need to do His work.

 "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty"

     "I'm not sure how to say it..." When your grandfather is sick, those seven words say it all. Those seven words spell out death. I was doing okay, I'm pretty good at making logical arguments with myself. Every time I got close to crying I told myself, "He loved Jesus. He's in Heaven." "He didn't suffer long," "The cancer would have taken months and beaten him down, this is better." All true, and all kept me sane as I drove home in Dallas traffic. But one can only repeat those things to themselves so many times before your mind starts to wonder.
     "Now they're both gone. Daddy's an orphan. At least I'll remember him. I remember so little of Dadum (Mom's dad), I was only 9. LC's only 4..." And that's when I started crying. Grandma Elaine died in 1984, years before my parents married and long before they had any grandkids. I never got the chance to meet her, something I am painfully aware of whenever I use my middle name, and anytime someone pays me the compliment of saying I am so much like her (her brother calls me his little Elaine because I remind him of her, though I'm not so little anymore). LC is in this boat as well, sharing my namesake but never getting the chance to meet her...
     ...and now "Grandpa Charlie" as she called him, is gone too. When I realized that she would probably remember very little about our grandpa, my heart broke. I loved Dadum, and I remember him, but just bits and pieces, a lot of what I know about him, his character, his personality  comes from stories I've heard over the years from my family, and things you can figure out based on pictures and the way people talk about him. LC will have that too, we'll talk about grandpa, and our fathers will tell stories about him and grandma Elaine, but her memory base is just so small, she's only 4.
     My family is stoic, that's what my Mom calls them, really they just don't talk much about their feelings. I get it, every time I even think about it I cry. And I know we have lots of men in this family, and men don't cry, at least not in front of their kids, but I needed to cry. I needed to talk to someone, and everyone here is busy taking care of things, or taking care of someone. So thanks for listening, because I'm not stoic, I'm a freaking mess.

CG61

     Today was my first day back at Camp Gladiator (CG). Last month, I got all psyched about getting in shape and made a ONE YEAR commitment...I'm not sure what I was thinking. I haven't stuck with a work out routine for that long since...I don't even know, maybe junior year of high school? I skipped work out Monday, and I felt guilty all day, that's never really happened to me before. Why now?
     I think it's because I'm moving out next month. You see, up until now, I have always been completely financially dependent on my parents. Unlike many young people, I did not get a job while in high school. Once in college, I only worked a few summers before getting a part time job as a tutor senior year. And even when I was working, that money was extra, just for fun, to pay club dues or what not. But starting next month, I'm completely responsible for me. Mom won't be putting $500 dollars in my account each month so I can pay rent, no more charging gas on my parents' credit card, no more gym membership.
     Next month, I go from feeling slightly adult-ish as I drive into downtown Dallas to being an independent adult, living free of parent control and assistance. Part of that means paying for that one year commitment to CG, $65 each month taken directly out of my account, so no backing out. That's why I felt guilty, cause it was my money. I'm not about to stop going if I have to keep paying. So from now till next October, three days a week I'll be getting up at 5 AM to run, sweat, and die each week.
     Once I do that, the hard part becomes not eating everything in sight. I swear if I don't have a six pack by the end of this, I want a refund. Especially if they're gonna tell me I can't eat ice cream.

Let the Journey Begin

     I'm a Christian. I used to think that part of being a Christian was having your crap together. I used to think it meant you knew what you were supposed to do, why you're here. I know I'm still young, but I have been through a lot, and I've figured out recently that most Christians don't have a clue. We like to think we know what we're doing, but we're just as lost as everybody else. Until, that is, we learn to listen. Not with our ears, with our souls. It's a weird concept, I know, and it's freaking hard to do; personally I'm still not sure if I'm doing it right. But I'm trying, and I think that counts for something. 

    This summer I felt the draw of acting again, something I hadn't done since high school. I prayed and prayed and asked for advice, and God opened a door. I've started a program in Dallas called Actors, Models, and Talent for Christ, and I am scared out of my mind. This program trains you and teaches you skills in your field as well as how the industry works. So far, I love it and it's all exciting and uplifting. Yes I get a little nervous or some stage fright, and the idea of failing is scary, but that's not why I'm terrified. I'm afraid that I'll succeed. 

     What if I make it? What if I become this famous actress? What if along the way I lose sight of why I'm doing this? What if I let go of God's hand and start walking down a different path? What if I'm not strong enough?