“For I know
that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to
do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” Romans 7:18
Step 1 – Admit.
You’d think I’d get it by now. I
fail; over and over I fail. I confess, not in a self-deprecating, please give
me a compliment kind of way. Rather in the way of being a sinner, a human, by
very definition… I fail…. My flesh is incapable of good. I find myself caught
in the lie of thinking I’m a good person. I’ve never murdered anyone, I don’t
have premarital sex, and I do my best to honor my father and mother. Pick any big one from the Bible and chances are I
haven’t done it – I’m not trying a humble brag, quite the opposite. I’ve done
plenty of horrible things, just not the ones people tend to think of. That’s
the point. The Holy Spirit has been doing some painful work in me as of late. Satan
has been bringing back some past struggles and the Spirit is using that to
point out the ugly truths of my heart's current state.
It seems unfair to be so vague with
my imperfections, like I’m only half taking off the masks, so let me show you
my ugly truths:
[Deep breath, this is gonna be
painful, just do it like a band aid]
Judging those I view as less
intelligent and/or less “good”
Gossiping about my peers
Past pornography & masturbation
Assuming I know best/am right
Self-righteousness
Negative interpretation of others’
actions
Responding in anger
Gluttony
Cheating
Restriction motivated in vanity
Impatience
Lack of empathy
And so many more.
I told you it was ugly. I am aware
enough to make this list, and yet one of the things on my list is still self-righteousness:
having or characterized by a certainty, especially an unfounded one, that one
is totally correct or morally superior. Now do you see how messed up I am?
Ignorance really is bliss. God’s
revelation of these faults to me has been painful to say the least. I am incredibly
humbled to see how sinful I really am. Practically every day something happens where
I fail to be who I want to be and show, again, my true colors.
It has also been humbling to see
how much work God has done in me so far. Some of these sins are past struggles,
struggles that He has removed from me so far as the east is from the west. He
has forgiven me and cleansed me of them. By the grace of God and through His
strength alone, I haven’t sought out pornography in more than three years. Even
greater news is that through this process God views me through the filter of
Jesus, despite all of my shortcomings and failures, all of my ugliness, He
looks at me and calls me beautiful; He sees the perfection of Christ.
I ask daily
that God will prune me and strengthen me, making me more like Him. I want to
undergo this process, but, boy, is it a hard one. Why does that surprise us? I
mean, the procedure is called pruning after all. Pruning isn’t done with a child’s
stuffed animal, it’s done with razor-sharp shears. It’s often a
long and slow process before your work yields anything of beauty.
John Chapter 15
starts, “I
am the true vine, and my Father is the
gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch in me
that bears no fruit, while
every branch that does bear fruit he
prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3 You are already clean because of
the word I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in me, as I also remain in
you. No
branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you
bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5 “I am the vine; you are the
branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart
from me you can do nothing. 6 If you do not remain in me, you
are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7 If you remain in me and my words remain
in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much
fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”
Did
you catch that? Say it out loud and listen: “... every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more
fruitful...This is to my Father’s glory, that you
bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” Sometimes being aware
of your complete and utter depravity can be rather depressing. Who doesn’t love
to hear what a horrible person they are? But, if you remind yourself of truth
and place this pain in context, it’s turns from depressing to hopeful, maybe
even exciting. If the Spirit is pruning you, yes, you have faults (we all do),
but it means you’re bearing some fruit, “he prunes so that it will be even more
fruitful.” What could be more hope-giving and exciting than knowing that the
Lord is working in you, investing in you, molding you into something beautiful,
making you more like Him.
I can’t think of one.
