I spent this afternoon cleaning my room and doing laundry. On the one hand it was great, I was being a productive and responsible adult and my room desperately needed to be cleaned (it was getting to that point where it was stressing me out just being there), but on the other hand it was SO depressing because, I don't know if you've looked outside today but, today is a beautiful, gorgeous, sunny, perfect Spring day - and I spent it cooped up inside. That's when I realized I needed a small break, a distraction, and realized I hadn't posted in a while - so long that quite a lot has happened.
My last post "Fingerprints" was about getting into McKinney FD and then feeling like that was ripped from me when I didn't pass my Polygraph/Psych eval, but knowing that God was there and He is good. Man is He good. In February I got a call from Ms. Gwen at Dallas Fire and Rescue's Recruiting office. It was 7 am on a Thursday morning. She asked if I was still interested, groggy and confused I said yes. Now, 2 months later almost to the day, I've passed all my evaluations, medical and otherwise, I've gotten my official letter, I've got my uniforms and now...I start in 11 days.
That Thursday I was SO confused. I'd thought God closed this door. I'd mourned the idea of becoming a paramedic. I was learning to trust Him and was kinda doing great at it, content to wait and see. Suddenly I was excited to have the opportunity, relived all my hard work wasn't for nothing, nervous that I might not be good enough or that something would happen and I wouldn't actually get to start. The past 2 months have been spent eating salads and lots of protein, working my butt off to get stronger and faster, praying through my anxieties, giving my nerves to God, recognizing that what I view as failure may be different from what He views as failure, and trusting that no matter what happens My God is still Good and He is the one in control.
I'm still scared I'll embarrass myself and/or fail out, but I know that if I do it won't be because I wasn't doing my best to succeed. It won't be because my God failed me. It will be because He wanted me to learn something and now it's time to move on - granted I hope that's not His plan. Here's what I pray:
God, I know I can't do this alone. I'm weak and slow and I don't have the skills to face this challenge...God I honestly don't even know what to expect and that scares the crap out of me. Please, God, don't let me fail. Give me strength, help me get faster and more resilient, give me the encouragement and skills I need Lord. Use me Lord, make me bold to speak your love and truth to the new people I will meet - let them never doubt where my strength comes from. Give me opportunities to share your good news with people who've never heard it, people who may see you soon. You're the one in control, you have all the power, God humble me daily and remind me of these truths, that I won't try to complete this journey alone, not even one step.
I start the Dallas Fire Academy in 11 days, I've never been more excited and nervous for a new chapter in my life...I think it's because I've never been more sure that God was at work and in control. I love the feeling of knowing I'm right where He wants me, right where He placed me. Though like many people I tend toward the thinking of "what if I mess it all up," as if I could wreck God's plans, all I have to do is obey. I can't wait to see what He has in store, over the next 11 more days, the next 6 months, and the years after that.
I've recently started memorizing James (I'm moving quite slowly though it) and I've found that it is even more amazing and applicable than I ever realized:
James 1:2-5
Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to you.
It continues on with more wonderfulness, but these 4 verses have really been sticking with me, "let perseverance finish it's work that you may be mature and complete.." What a reason to strive, to lean on the Lord, to push through to the end: "that you may be mature and complete."
