Growing Pains

            “For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.” Romans 7:18

Step 1 – Admit.

You’d think I’d get it by now. I fail; over and over I fail. I confess, not in a self-deprecating, please give me a compliment kind of way. Rather in the way of being a sinner, a human, by very definition… I fail…. My flesh is incapable of good. I find myself caught in the lie of thinking I’m a good person. I’ve never murdered anyone, I don’t have premarital sex, and I do my best to honor my father and mother. Pick any big one from the Bible and chances are I haven’t done it – I’m not trying a humble brag, quite the opposite. I’ve done plenty of horrible things, just not the ones people tend to think of. That’s the point. The Holy Spirit has been doing some painful work in me as of late. Satan has been bringing back some past struggles and the Spirit is using that to point out the ugly truths of my heart's current state.

It seems unfair to be so vague with my imperfections, like I’m only half taking off the masks, so let me show you my ugly truths:

[Deep breath, this is gonna be painful, just do it like a band aid]

Judging those I view as less intelligent and/or less “good”

Gossiping about my peers

Past pornography & masturbation

Assuming I know best/am right

Self-righteousness

Negative interpretation of others’ actions

Responding in anger

Gluttony

Cheating

Restriction motivated in vanity

Impatience

Lack of empathy

And so many more.

I told you it was ugly. I am aware enough to make this list, and yet one of the things on my list is still self-righteousness: having or characterized by a certainty, especially an unfounded one, that one is totally correct or morally superior. Now do you see how messed up I am?

Ignorance really is bliss. God’s revelation of these faults to me has been painful to say the least. I am incredibly humbled to see how sinful I really am. Practically every day something happens where I fail to be who I want to be and show, again, my true colors.

It has also been humbling to see how much work God has done in me so far. Some of these sins are past struggles, struggles that He has removed from me so far as the east is from the west. He has forgiven me and cleansed me of them. By the grace of God and through His strength alone, I haven’t sought out pornography in more than three years. Even greater news is that through this process God views me through the filter of Jesus, despite all of my shortcomings and failures, all of my ugliness, He looks at me and calls me beautiful; He sees the perfection of Christ.

            I ask daily that God will prune me and strengthen me, making me more like Him. I want to undergo this process, but, boy, is it a hard one. Why does that surprise us? I mean, the procedure is called pruning after all. Pruning isn’t done with a child’s stuffed animal, it’s done with razor-sharp shears. It’s often a long and slow process before your work yields anything of beauty.

            John Chapter 15 starts, “I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.

⁵ “I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. ⁶ If you do not remain in me, you are like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. ⁷ If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. ⁸ This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”

            Did you catch that? Say it out loud and listen: “... every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful...This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.” Sometimes being aware of your complete and utter depravity can be rather depressing. Who doesn’t love to hear what a horrible person they are? But, if you remind yourself of truth and place this pain in context, it’s turns from depressing to hopeful, maybe even exciting. If the Spirit is pruning you, yes, you have faults (we all do), but it means you’re bearing some fruit, “he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful.” What could be more hope-giving and exciting than knowing that the Lord is working in you, investing in you, molding you into something beautiful, making you more like Him.

I can’t think of one.

11 More Days

     I spent this afternoon cleaning my room and doing laundry. On the one hand it was great, I was being a productive and responsible adult and my room desperately needed to be cleaned (it was getting to that point where it was stressing me out just being there), but on the other hand it was SO depressing because, I don't know if you've looked outside today but, today is a beautiful, gorgeous, sunny, perfect Spring day - and I spent it cooped up inside. That's when I realized I needed a small break, a distraction, and realized I hadn't posted in a while - so long that quite a lot has happened.
     My last post "Fingerprints" was about getting into McKinney FD and then feeling like that was ripped from me when I didn't pass my Polygraph/Psych eval, but knowing that God was there and He is good. Man is He good. In February I got a call from Ms. Gwen at Dallas Fire and Rescue's Recruiting office. It was 7 am on a Thursday morning. She asked if I was still interested, groggy and confused I said yes. Now, 2 months later almost to the day, I've passed all my evaluations, medical and otherwise, I've gotten my official letter, I've got my uniforms and now...I start in 11 days.
     That Thursday I was SO confused. I'd thought God closed this door. I'd mourned the idea of becoming a paramedic. I was learning to trust Him and was kinda doing great at it, content to wait and see. Suddenly I was excited to have the opportunity, relived all my hard work wasn't for nothing, nervous that I might not be good enough or that something would happen and I wouldn't actually get to start. The past 2 months have been spent eating salads and lots of protein, working my butt off to get stronger and faster, praying through my anxieties, giving my nerves to God, recognizing that what I view as failure may be different from what He views as failure, and trusting that no matter what happens My God is still Good and He is the one in control.
     I'm still scared I'll embarrass myself and/or fail out, but I know that if I do it won't be because I wasn't doing my best to succeed. It won't be because my God failed me. It will be because He wanted me to learn something and now it's time to move on - granted I hope that's not His plan. Here's what I pray:

     God, I know I can't do this alone. I'm weak and slow and I don't have the skills to face this challenge...God I honestly don't even know what to expect and that scares the crap out of me. Please, God, don't let me fail. Give me strength, help me get faster and more resilient, give me the encouragement and skills I need Lord. Use me Lord, make me bold to speak your love and truth to the new people I will meet - let them never doubt where my strength comes from. Give me opportunities to share your good news with people who've never heard it, people who may see you soon. You're the one in control, you have all the power, God humble me daily and remind me of these truths, that I won't try to complete this journey alone, not even one step.

     I start the Dallas Fire Academy in 11 days, I've never been more excited and nervous for a new chapter in my life...I think it's because I've never been more sure that God was at work and in control. I love the feeling of knowing I'm right where He wants me, right where He placed me. Though like many people I tend toward the thinking of "what if I mess it all up," as if I could wreck God's plans, all I have to do is obey. I can't wait to see what He has in store, over the next 11 more days, the next 6 months, and the years after that.
     I've recently started memorizing James (I'm moving quite slowly though it) and I've found that it is even more amazing and applicable than I ever realized:

James 1:2-5
Consider it pure joy my brothers whenever you face trials of many kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish it's work that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault and it will be given to you.

     It continues on with more wonderfulness, but these 4 verses have really been sticking with me, "let perseverance finish it's work that you may be mature and complete.." What a reason to strive, to lean on the Lord, to push through to the end: "that you may be mature and complete."