Do you remember the children's song "Hip Hip Hip Hippopotamus?" It has this line:
God's fingerprints are everywhere, just to show how much he cares.
Today God gave me a glimpse of his fingerprints in my life. My last post #101 was about not getting an offer to be in the fall class at the Dallas Fire Academy. This post is about the offer I got today, an offer that if I'd been in the academy in Dallas I never would have received.
You see, this morning, I had an interview with the Chief and the Fire Marshall in McKinney. I went into the interview with the impression that offers weren't going to be given until early January. That's what I'd been told and I'd prepared myself to wait about a month. But after my interview the Chief asked that I wait outside for a few minutes while he and the Marshall talked. Two minutes later he walked out, shook my hand, and gave me a conditional offer! My day went from normal/slightly exciting to FREAKING AMAZING!!!!
On Monday (12/12) I had a Polygraph and a Psych evaluation for the position I'd accepted. I was nervous. I have this thing...I overthink. I can't seem to shut my mind off, no matter how hard I try. Through all 500 and something Psych questions and the evaluation I was trying to be honest and not choose the answers based on what I thought they wanted. During the Polygraph I prayed God would help me through it.
I don't know if you've ever taken a Polygraph, but they suck!! I used to think, as long as your honest you should be fine...then I took one. I confessed everything I could think of to the guy, like ALL my deep dark secrets - well the ones that were applicable to the questions he asked anyway. But then when I'm hooked up to the machine my mind is racing the whole time, "Did I forget to tell him something? No I told him that. He didn't ask about that. That was before I was 17, he said since then. The question has nothing to do with that." And on and on my mind went, making me more and more nervous. On top of that, the guy asked one of the questions wrong the first time, which might not sound like a big deal, but completely threw me off. And then my phone started buzzing in my pocket which threw off the test.
Anyway, the guy told me then and there that my Polygraph results were inconclusive. He didn't know what that would mean for me, McKinney could ask me to take it again, they could not care, or they could rescind my offer. And the lady who did my Psych eval, she didn't give me any feedback, I might have passed with flying colors or I could have failed terribly, we will probably never know.
So yesterday I worried a bit and was down. But my day ended spectacularly. I went to the Shane & Shane/Phil Wickham Christmas Concert at The Porch (the Young Adult service at my church). We spent the night worshiping God and I was reminded about His fingerprints. We sang praises and laughed and everything was as it should be, with me knowing that God is in control. That all that shame I felt in my polygraph, all those thoughts and worries, all of them were lies from the enemy, for I am Free in Christ & God has forgiven all my sins. That He loves me more than I can imagine and His plan is far better than any plan I can come up with. I don't know that plan and that's okay.
Then, about an hour ago, I got an email...
Dear Meredith:
The selection process of the McKinney Fire Department serves to measure areas that are crucial to the position of McKinney Firefighters. This process includes successfully passing all steps of the hiring process.
I regret to inform you that you did not pass the Polygraph and/or Psychological Exam as required by the conditional offer letter. As a result, your conditional offer of employment is hereby rescinded.
We wish you well in your future employment endeavors.
City of McKinney
Human Resources Department
I still don't know His plan. I'm still sad. I'm kinda angry. I'm confused. I want this to be some kind of practical joke. I want to be starting the next chapter of my life. I want to move forward instead of feeling stagnant...again. I want to know.
But I KNOW God is good.
Last night one of the songs we sang was Psalm 23, which opens with the line:
The Lord is my Shepherd I shall not want
Obviously I've still got some growing to do. It continues:
In green pastures He makes me lie down
He restores my soul and leads me on for His Name
for His great Name
surely goodness surely mercy
right beside me all my days
and I will dwell in Your house forever
and bless Your Holy Name
But I know MY God is good. I know that I don't need the things my heart is longing for. All I need is Him. I know that God is working in my life. I know His fingerprints are here, I'm just too close to see. I know His plan is good. I know that good doesn't always feel good.
But I know my God is good. And I am loved.
