I will not be getting an offer to attend the Dallas Fire Academy this Fall. I needed to be top 40...
That's the news that ended my long and wonderful Saturday. My first reaction was anger at the men who didn't see me as good enough, then annoyance with God for ending such a great day that way and for His plan not aligning with my wants. But beyond initial feelings, I was too exhausted to process so I went to bed. I spent all day yesterday watching TV and eating left-over pie in my bed. I didn't talk to anyone (other than a few phrases to my roommates), I didn't go anywhere, I just spent the day alone, not really mourning or stewing, but just being, kind of recovering from a busy summer, a busy month, and a particularly exciting but stressful week.
So today, now, is really the first time I'm thinking about and processing the news that I won't be starting with Dallas this fall. And honestly I'm okay with it. I'm choosing to be okay. Yes, I wanted it; I'm anxious to be on my way along this new path, but as my family pointed out, there are other cities I've applied to/am applying to. I'll get in when and where God wants me to; He could be saving my life, and He could be saving someone else's.
I have trouble sometimes with the head/heart connection. So my head is there 100%...okay maybe like 90%, but logically I get it and I trust that it's for the best. My heart, my feelings are another matter. I'm still sad and frustrated, but I'm working on it. Honestly, and we're about to go pretty deep here, one of my core struggles in life is trust & belief, so the enemy is having a field day playing with those. I don't know why I struggle with trusting God and believing He's good; it honestly makes no logical sense, but my heart is all kinds of messed up and it struggles daily with these issues.
I know my parents love me unconditionally; I also know that my parents are nowhere near perfect, but they would do almost anything for me. And yet I struggle to grasp how a God that is perfect, that is the very source of love, could do the same. I know I haven't earned it, and I know Christ's sacrifice was payment for my failures, but sometimes...sometimes it doesn't seem like enough. It breaks my heart to admit I think that at times, but that's step one right? I can't ask God to fix me if I won't admit I'm broken.
As for my trust issues, I've never really understood where those come from, but I guess it's kind of hard to trust someone you don't understand. Trust is a choice, or so I'm told, but I don't really understand how. I mean I can say all day I trust you, and I can even want to...but that doesn't make it true. However, with some people, I don't remember ever choosing to trust them, I just do, 'cause I know in my heart they always want what's best for me...I don't know how to make my heart know that.
I usually try to end my posts with a nice little bow. I mean that's what we're taught in English, right? I should know considering who my Mother is, we're taught to end papers with a conclusion paragraph that restates the main ideas of the paper and draws everything back together completely-- the perfect little bow. But I just can't--because perfect little bows aren't reality. Reality is a lopsided double knot that's going to come untied anyway.
Yes, I'll keep praying and choosing to trust God 'cause I'm never going to understand the bigger plan and I don't have a better option. 'Cause my only other option is me and I KNOW I can't trust me. But that doesn't mean each day isn't going to be a struggle, each day is going to be a battle, and, yes, I know God's already won the war, but that doesn't take away from the reality of my current fight. I'm sure I'll fail some days. But I'll win more. And eventually...I don't know what will happen eventually, and that sucks, but if I did know I'm sure I'd find a way to screw it up. I don't want to follow a God I can comprehend, I want to follow a God whose plans are so great I could never imagine them, and I do.
