Feel Him In the Storm (literally)

I don't know about you, but the moment that I feel God most, like actually feel Him, is when it's raining, which it is right now. It's one of my favorite things in the world, to sit and watch a storm from my porch, or on occasion go stand in the yard and just be surrounded by Him. I don't know if this is just how God decided he wanted me to experience Him, or if it has more to do with me not understanding the science of weather and water falling from the sky, but either way it's amazing.

To be completely honest I've been in a bit of a spiritual slump for...probably a few years now, it's had highish points, but on average been a pretty long slump. Recently I placed membership at a church and joined a community group, 7 girls all between 21 and 24, and it's been wonderful. It hasn't fixed my slump, not by any means, but I'm taking steps, I'm working at repairing my relationship with God, and I took a big step tonight.

I hadn't actually noticed it was raining until one of the girls in my group sent out a text about it (she knows how I feel about storms). Once I realized it was raining, I just got a feeling, like I needed to go outside, I needed to stand in the rain (I'm even in the middle of writing a song about standing in the rain and feeling God, lol, isn't He awesome!). So I did. I just got up and went outside and stood in the rain. Bare foot and still in work out clothes, I stood in my backyard.

It was as if the rain washed away all my walls and my hesitations and I cried out to God in a way I hadn't in a very long time. I talked to Him openly, honestly about things from the past few years that I'd been too ashamed of or simply too proud or closed off to discuss with Him. It was...overwhelming. I literally fell to my knees in the grass crying from the swarm of emotions. Then, as if He was telling me to go dig into scripture, a crack of thunder hit that scared me to my feet and back inside.

I opened my daily devotional (The Duck Commander Devotional, yes that's the one I read) to today and read todays entry as well as one from a couple of days ago that caught my eye (Sweet Forgiveness and The Washing of Rebirth). They're about the mercy and forgiveness that Christ offers us through belief in him and baptism. (Now I was raised in the church and have known about this concept my whole life. I gave my life to Christ when I was about 10, so it's not like I hadn't heard this before. But sometimes we humans just need to be reminded of the simplicity of His love.) Through these readings God spoke back. I'd just poured out my heart to Him, and for the first time in a long time, I heard Him talking back immediately.

He told me He loves me and has forgiven me for the things I did, just like I forgave the others involved and gave me advise on handling current issues I'm facing (Titus 3). Then he steered me toward an article (another girl from my community group had sent it to us early today) about waiting and how God uses waiting to prepare us for what is to come (I wanted Him to show me His plan). He also just drew my attention to a few other awesome scriptures that I needed to be reminded of:
John 3:30 "He must become greater; I must become less"
Philippians 2:5-18, John 8, I mean obviously the whole Bible is good stuff, but these are what I needed to hear tonight, and they truly spoke to me.

Anyway my point is that God is awesome. And even when we feel like we've tried everything and he just isn't there, He isn't listening...He is, and He'll say something when He knows the time is right. So be patient. Learn in the waiting. Find Strength in His word and in those around you. Feel loved in scripture. And feel His power and His presence in the storms.

10 Years Later

March 4th, 2005.

That is the day that Kelsey Wood died. Kelsey and I were great friends and her death rocked my world, as it did for everyone who knew her. When Kelsey died I grieved. I did what most thirteen year olds in that situation would have done, I think. I cried, I hugged family and friends, and I remembered. I still remember arriving at the hospital just after she'd passed....

I remember five years later in March of 2010; I was getting ready to graduate from high school. I remember crying that week because all I could think about was injustice. I was going to graduate. I was going to college. I was living. Why not her?

These thoughts often plagued me as the years after Kelsey's death passed. Why was I given more time?

Obviously I don't have the answers, I didn't then and I don't now. But ten years have passed, and I've grown up. I've lived. 

People like to tell us that time heals all wounds. That if we just give it some time, the pain will go away. 

I completely and totally disagree. 

Kelsey isn't the only person close to me I've lost; she wasn't even the first one. Each time I lose someone it leaves a fresh hole. Time helps, but not in the way people tend to say it does. Time doesn't heal the wounds; it doesn't make the pain go away. Time just numbs me; it teaches me to live with this new ache in my heart. It's like when you get in super cold water that is super cold. At first it stings and you tighten up. But eventually your body adjusts. The water is just as cold as it was before, but you're getting used to the feeling. 

10 Years Later, I still miss Kelsey. I still don't understand the injustice of her death. I still remember her laugh and her unusual wisdom. 

10 Years Later, and I have finally accepted the pain. 

Sam Hands

I don't know if I've told you this, but I'm insecure. 

Yes, I know everyone has their insecurities - personally mine is my weight - but that's not really what I'm talking about. 

I'm insecure in pretty much all of my relationships. Other than my parents, almost anything can make me think someone doesn't love me or like me anymore. I'm not sure why this is, I'm sure I could psychoanalyze myself to death and still not know, but, whatever the reason, I have a really hard time telling where I am with people. 

Sam, however, is my best friend. I know so because she said it. 

You see, my senior year at ACU, I was on Homecoming court. This fact is only important so that you understand why my Aunt Nanny was at ACU on a random Friday after Chapel, meeting Sam in the first place. Anyway, I was introducing Nanny and Sam and I said, "Nanny, this is my friend Sam :)" To which Sam's reaction was to give me a weird look, reach out her hand to Nan, and say, "I would venture to say best :)"

For someone as insecure as I am, to have the person whom I think of as my best friend say that's the case was the biggest confirmation of our friendship I could have wished for.

I know my last few posts may have been a little depressing or made me sound like a loser with no friends (because I was lonely when I wrote them), but I got to see Sam recently, and not just her, but a lot of my friends from school. 

I went back to Abilene a few weeks ago for Sing Song, and with some of the other alumni from my club, went to see the girls practice before the show. For whatever reason, the other girls pushed me through the door first, and I don't think I had ever felt so adored...it was like being a celebrity - lol. I walked in and they all started clapping (for all the alumni, I know, but it felt like the ovation was for me :) ), and I, of course, played it up, acting like I was some big wig on a talk show.

That's when I was attacked.

The kind of attack that surprises and scares you, but is welcome the second you realize who it is. My attacker was my first ever Little, Meghann. She held me in a hug for what felt like ten minutes, and it was the best hug ever. Full of "I've missed you," "It's been so long," and "Never again." 

Sam was there too (we literally jumped into a hug and jumped in a circle squealing like children when we saw each other --we were cliché but adorable), and we, along with the wonderful Carleigh, took our traditional Sam Hands photo (there's a story there, maybe I'll tell you some time). And then the weekend was over. The magic of seeing my friends and being surrounded by love was gone again, and in its absence my mind begins to wonder, as it often does: Was it real? Are we really still close? Do my friends have the same fears/insecurities? Am I overwhelming? 

Maybe a little. 

But I am still loved. 

Real Life

"...in real life."
"I can't wait for my real life to start."
"This is real life..."

Sound familiar?
I HATE. these phrases. I'm just as guilty as the next girl of using them, even when not referring to a movie, which is the only excusable reason for saying this, but I hate them.
I hate them because my life is stalled. Nothing in my life is where I want to be, and very little of it feels like a stepping stone to get there. And, to be honest, it makes me mad, that this is my real life.

You see, I'm an Office Coordinator. Which means I spent 4 years and my parents paid thousands upon thousands of dollars for me to get a degree that I don't use, because any teenager can answer phones, schedule meetings and do what ever else they are told to do. Now, don't read this as: "I hate my job." This isn't that kind of post. I love my coworkers, they are fun people. And the company I work for is great too. I just don't love my job. This isn't what I want to do with my life. I don't enjoy what I do. I'm not looking for a job that "fulfills me" as they say, I know that isn't really the point, but I'd like to be doing something that I care about you know, something that I enjoy at least a little.

I don't have a church home. Which means my social life is basically nonexistent. I'm not a loser...I don't think. It's just that a good portion of my friends are still in school. The other good portion are split up all over the state and country living their new adult lives. I have a roommate, but our schedules are so different that we are rarely both home and awake at the same time. And my friends that do live in Dallas, well we're all over and busy and their isn't a built in social calendar to bring us together like college provided. So I'm looking for a church home (not just for this reason, obviously I love God and want to find a place that is like family to gather in his name, this is just a side motivation), but it takes time and in the meantime, I watch Netflix and eat brownie batter in bed.

I am eager to act. I've talked a bit before about the draw of acting and how I believe that is where God ultimately wants me. I'm in a training program that helps hone my skills, teaches me about the industry, and eventually I will participate in a showcase for agents and managers. So at least I'm going in the right direction, but I'm eager to jump in right now, but I have a full time job. Do you know how hard it is to go to auditions when you don't have any time off built up yet? And then if I am offered a part...I can only film on weekends, unless someone happens to offer me a career making part that will make quitting my day job a realistic thing...I'm not holding my breath.

I could also add that I'm single and have no prospects, which is true, but then again I'm fully aware of the fact that at 22 I am not ready to get married and settle down like so many of my friends are doing. Not to say I wouldn't like to go on a date now and again (just to make me feel like I'm not completely repulsive), but I'm completely okay with waiting on the whole marriage and kids thing.

My point...what was my point?
Live life.
Right, live your life now, but live it in anticipation of the future too. Seize the day! Find joy in the little things! And all the other applicable quotes. But also, you need to be actively seeking ways to advance your life in the direction you want to go. Be patient, as all things happen in God's perfect time.
Even if this season (that's just for you Kristen) of your life isn't your favorite, recognize that this is your life, and it is real.
So enjoy what you can and learn from the crappy bits.

You Matter

#BlackLivesMatter

#LatinoLivesMatter

#AsianLivesMatter

#WhiteLivesMatter

#AllLivesMatter

But this is about Black lives.

This is about white privilege. 

I'll be honest, I'm an oblivious white girl. I don't like politics or confrontation, so I tend to keep my opinions to myself when it comes to social media, and I don't stay all that up to date with the news (other than big things that show up on my twitter feed, which I often will read/skim an article or two about). I also struggle sometimes to articulate what I mean in a way that won't be distorted by the absence of human interaction. With that said, I also grew up in a town where I was actually the minority at my school, and the classes I was enrolled in were relatively diverse, so I was oblivious to the bigger issue here. On that note, I will say racism can and does go both ways, but this post isn't about that, it's about the fact that Black Lives Matter because all lives do.

I wasn't there and I don't know what happened, so I won't say this for them. I'm saying this for all my friends who are of a different color than me. For all of those I love. For all the people I don't know and probably never will because we were born into different parts of this world. You matter. Just as much as me.

Let me be clear about something though, when I say worth and equality, I don't mean all people are the same, or equally important, or even capable of the same things. For example; The President of the United States of America, is way more important than me, and (no matter how much I may disagree with his politics) I understand why. He has equipped himself with knowledge that I know not of, and he has authority that I cannot fathom. He also has people who threaten to kill him, and I don't, so it balances out. My point is that while in the eyes of humanity we should all be equals, that just means that we should not be looked down upon as less. We are all so very different; we have different capabilities and the potential to do such a wide range of things. Some are born with great intelligence, some with great comedic talent; others have trouble with social situations, or have trouble learning; this world is unfair. And it always will be, but it doesn't make them less. We all have a path to follow, each one different from the next. 

One thing I'm worried will happen with this movement for equality (a movement I believe in and support) is that it will do what Feminism did and go too far. Feminism at it's core is good. It is about equality between men and women. Not equality as in sameness, but equality in worth. We should be worth the same as men in the eyes of humanity. That does not mean that we must conquer man though. Some branches of Feminism have taken the raising up of women and turned it into the crushing of men, and that is not okay. This is the exact opposite of what we teach our children. We teach them to be confident in themselves, to not beat others down to feel better about themselves. We then should do the same. Be confident women who stand up for our rights, but don't have to degrade men to do it. 

Along the same lines when it comes to race, I want equality, but that doesn't mean bashing other races. Instead we should call upon everyone to elevate each other to be equal in the eyes of all. I'm not excusing the past, but let's leave the past there because there is nothing we can do to change it, and deal with the present. Black lives matter, not because they're black. Not because white people owe them for what our ancestors did to theirs. Not because someone died. Black lives matter because they are people, just like you and me. Black lives matter just as much as Latino lives, Asian lives, White lives, all lives. 

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

Stars in the City

This past Sunday at church the gentleman teaching the Sunday School class I attended made a comment about how beautiful the stars are in the country, and then he said "They just don't have that in the city!"

I beg to differ.

I was raised in the suburbs. I love the suburbs. In fact, I will probably end up back there someday raising my own family. Someday most likely being a long time from now seeing as I am perpetually single, but that's not important right now. The point is I grew up in a suburb that also happened to be the highest point in Dallas County. Why, you ask, is that extremely random fact so important? Because since we were the highest point in the county we had all the radio and television towers in our town. At my last count I believe there were 14.

See all the red dots in the sky? Those are the towers.
Aren't they beautiful?
No?
Well, they are to me. They're like my own personal lighthouse, showing me the way home. Like my own personal set of constellations.

I know that people love to marvel at the beauty of a country sky. And here in Texas we are oh so proud of our Texas sky. And I agree, there is nothing like it. My grandparents used to have a farm out in the middle of Nowhere, Texas, and you can't find a more beautiful piece of sky that displays God's handiwork more perfectly. But here's the thing:
We were made in His image.
He created us to be creators.
So we created our own version of His magnificent stars.

City Lights.

Some people prefer one over the other, and that is valid and fair. But personally I think they are all beautiful and I think they all show the greatness of our God. Not only did He create this magnificent universe and all the stars that make up our sky, but he created a being in His image that strives to be like Him.

Who Are You to Think You can Succeed in Hollywood?

I am a daughter of the Most High King.

When we're little kids we dream of being princesses, astronauts, the President, and dragon slayers. Our parents, our teachers, the world all encourage us to dream. They say we can do whatever we want. The sky is the limit. And a million other poster worthy phrases. But somewhere along the way the message changes from "Dream Big! Reach for the Stars!" to "Think realistically. Be reasonable." So we change our dreams to more everyday things. We settle on things like teacher, mechanic, dentist, or mom. All of which are great dreams, if you are called to them!

Christ says to go out and make disciples of every nation. He calls us all to the life of a missionary. That doesn't mean we all move to Africa or South America; it means we live out the life of Christ where God has called us. If you're a mom, you minister to your kids, to their friends and their families, to the ladies on the PTA and your neighbors. If you're a mechanic, you minister to your customers, to your employees or your boss and co-workers. If you're still a student, you minister to your peers, your teachers; we are all called to minister to the people God has placed around us, no matter where that is.

If you can accept that, why can't you accept that God called someone to minister to actors, to singers? He has called us to speak truth into the lives of celebrities who influence the lives of so many, to be a public example who kids and teens can look up to. Why is it so outrageous that he dreams to be President someday? God has called him to lead our nation and influence the world. God has called us to minister to everyone, to help the less fortunate, to be His hands and feet. Well, God is omnipresent, which means His hands and feet need to be in Africa and South America, in our schools and doctors' offices, and in the media and the White House.

You may not see how that could be God's calling for me or him, or her, but that's not what matters. I can feel it, I can hear Him asking me to serve, and I have faith that "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." In 1 Samuel 17, a small boy everyone thought would fail took down a giant. Not because he had some secret power or hidden strength, but because the Lord was on his side. That kid went on to become king. I may not look like much now, or have the skill set to make it in the industry, but I have faith that He will equip me with all the tools I need to do His work.

 "You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty"